I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
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I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.