I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
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Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”