@RealSudoNim: I tell women I can't open that jar because I have a headache.
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@thenatewolf: "You do realize it's a crime to lie in court, right?" *I think for a moment and then move my hands closer together*
@kibblesmith: The genie sang that whole song about how he's gonna be Aladdin's best friend ever right in front of the monkey
@mattgallo123: My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.