@RealSudoNim: I tell women I can't open that jar because I have a headache.
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@Beatonm5: Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I'm goin to google who made them & I'm going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
@novicefather: My wife is addicted to goji berries but I wish she was addicted to something cheaper like cocaine.
@brentalfloss: 1942: How can we beat the Nazis? 1968: How can we go to the moon? 2006: How can a phone be a supercomputer? 2016: How can we beat the Nazis?