@RealSudoNim: I tell women I can't open that jar because I have a headache.
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@mrbuster60: "My uncle is a dead person guy". Me last night when I couldn't think of the word mortician
@veggiefemme: My mom doesn't understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that's why. (Not blow)
@JB4Realz: [Marriage Counseling] Wife: He's always messing up even the simplest phrases. Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download...
@shakenbakegurl: I'm really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.