I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
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Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.