I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
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Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
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All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
i meant to share this earlier
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori