I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
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Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.