I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
this came to me in a vision
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.