@LuvPug: I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
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@KalvinMacleod: DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds? ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
@torrami: When hubs is sleeping I put my Care Bear blanket on him and take the most adorable blackmail photos ever.
@DaddyJew: Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet? Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of my mouth*