I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
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There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
shit just got real
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage