I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
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if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.