Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
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I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.