*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
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I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.