“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
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me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
felt that
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.