I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
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Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Many hands make light work
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Happy thanksgiving!
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club