I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
You Might Also Like
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”