I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
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My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
War & Peace
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
This chloroform smells expensiv…
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂