casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
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Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Shoo shoo! 😂
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.