@AbbyHasIssues: I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
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@GaryJanetti: Thanks for the holiday photo! I can't believe your little girls are already unhappy, overweight teenagers!
@JMFnSparks: Dear men, I can make your girl scream louder than you can ever make her! Love, Spiders
@ComedicBust: [at a wake] WIDOW: [crying uncontrollably] ME: [putting my arm around her] I saw you double dip that chip earlier.