I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.