@AbbyHasIssues: I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@PuckingItUp: Nothing says "I'm a shitty parent but at least I'm rich" like giving your 2 year old an iPad.
@PaperWash: Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me? "Nah" *cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect* Cop: *wiping tears* I'm over it
@flashember: [Zoo, bird show] "Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods." *bird headbutts window 50 times*
@E_lok44: If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.