I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
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[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul