I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
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If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao