I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
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Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I鈥檓 basically a puffer fish now.
How do you tell someone you鈥檙e the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
me: I鈥檓 becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he鈥檚 a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don鈥檛 care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we鈥檙e leaving without you
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca鈥檚 fur.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
馃ぃ馃槄馃ぃ馃槄 OUCH!
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it鈥檚 just bread
Doc Brown: it鈥檚 only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*