I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
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Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
🤔😂😂
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.