@lmwortho: I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn't notice it wasn't me. I need a monkey.
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@envydatropic: I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work..... I've never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
@notnuthin: old lady: that's not necessary me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
@rockymomax: WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same