I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
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[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!