I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
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[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up