I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
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I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog