I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
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My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.