I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
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[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
There is wisdom there.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?