I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
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Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.