I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
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[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist