@JennyJohnsonHi5: I think it's weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
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@KimMonte10: Let's raise our glasses. I'll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We'll name this action after cooked bread
@alizmay: Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
@DanMentos: *runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN'T LOCALLY SOURCED *sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
@envydatropic: I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit