@JennyJohnsonHi5: I think it's weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
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@TheRolo: [Gets shot by mugger] Girl walks by: omg are u ok? I'm dying [sees she isn't wearing a ring] I mean I'm fine but not as fine as you, sup?
@KalvinMacleod: [parole hearing] OFFICER: are u reformed? ME: I— O: go on M: I th— O: tell us M: I'm— O: yes M: can I finish my sentence O: ok parole denied
@newcastlecourt: Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
@kyle_thatisall: If your girl says "Hey guess what!" you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.