I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
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Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s