I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
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9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
All set.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
This headline is a thing of beauty
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me