I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
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When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next