@Browneyed_mama: I think my dog goes out at night to drink with her doggie friends. At least she can't drive because that would be ridiculous.
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@ChrisScarlette: [being robbed] Me: careful.. I'm ARMED *whips out bible Robber: lol *pulls gun out of bible R: oh *pulls smaller bible out of gun
@DamienFahey: I've never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn't shout, "We legally had to do this."
@truegritrumble: So my wife discovered I keep writing "please help me" in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I'm not allowed to have checks.
@WickedDarkEyes: I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know... Oreos.