I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
You Might Also Like
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
It was worth a shot 😂
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced