If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
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I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
and now we wait
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them