@_InsanelyNormal: I think my husband cheated on me. Not one of our kids resembles him at all...
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@LetMeStart: It's only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
@turbomanatee: I didn't know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
@moooooog35: Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly? Daughter: You're old, that's going to happen. Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.