@_InsanelyNormal: I think my husband cheated on me. Not one of our kids resembles him at all...
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@bobvulfov: ME: why is my son failing TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he'll be intelligent ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
@joekellyjk47: As a child, it really stressed me out that Rocky was late to his second fight with Apollo Creed. I mean, don't be late to that.
@justabloodygame: [commercial for Facebook] *man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars* "Don't you wish there were a better way?"