I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
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[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
ibopfufen
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.