I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
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just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.