[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
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SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase