I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
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I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Covid like
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Found my door mat
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.