I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
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In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.