I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
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I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.