@navanax: I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
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@simoncholland: You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
@Death_Buddy: *On date* Her: hey, how are you? Me: yeah really g.. BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
@david8hughes: Good cop: we found her body in the river Cop who doesn't want people knowing he can't swim: I was sick that day otherwise I'd have found it
@AnkCoupleTO: [on the phone] Me: I can't make it in today Boss: That's the 3rd time this week M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem