I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
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ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
lot going on here, legally speaking.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT: