I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
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You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever