I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
You Might Also Like
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.