“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
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Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”