The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me