@Naked_Superman: I think that's enough internet for one day…
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@Izianikapani: My kids don't drive me to drink. Can't wait until they get their license and they can though.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision. Me: OK, what do you need me to do? 5-year-old: Go find Mom.
@aka_fatman: President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you- [two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow] That wasn't the intercom.