@wilw: I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
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@tastefactory: When Leo said, "To all my friends, you know who you are" he was talking about the bear
@dubstep4dads: [sees kid crying] Kid: Im lost Me: that's ok. We're all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
@XplodingUnicorn: [out to eat with in-laws] Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne Wife: Hey these are my parents Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water