I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
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My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I’m sorry…what?
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.