I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
You Might Also Like
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
*lint rolls you awake*
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
craving $300 all of a sudden
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.