I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
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“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock