@Floatersfinest: I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks 'This is WAY cheaper than Asylums'
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@buhsbaby_baby: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?
@UNTRESOR: Dad, who's Daniel Day-Lewis? *Dad peers out the blinds* He could be anyone, son. *Mom starts weeping* He could be anyone.
@PaperWash: [wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today? [me doing push ups] hell no I'm not letting that baby get stronger than me
@ohthatbadger: They agreed upon 'almond milk' when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…